Seven Ways to go to Hell
by MewMewKnowsWho
Summary: Café Spain has always been a popular hot spot...Well...Not really. When two highly unusual guests decide to pop in, Spain decides to help by offering relationship advice. After all, how scarring could his "wonderful wisdom" turn out to be?


**Mew Mew: **

This was originally in one of my other fics, but it was so long, I decided to just make it a One-Shot. Have fun with this unusual trio!

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"I can't believe you have decided to come to _my_ café! Mine out of all of the cafés on this street! Esto es tan emocionante! Because of the bad economy I wasn't able to pay for a whole lot of the good stuff, yah know, but I can still get you whatever you like! But I may have to go shopping first!" Spain rambled on animatedly. "It's not every day that I see other countries just waltz in like this. Can I get you some coffee? I only have instant…Oh! Wait! I can give you both complementary t-shirts, completely on the house! They will look so wonderful on you! ¿Sí?"

Belarus stuck her nose in the air, shoved her hand through the crook in Russia's arm and tugged him along. She swiftly, and somewhat compellingly, pushed him down into a seat at the nearest table. "I want something sweet." She asked, letting her fingers dance across his shoulders adoringly. She pressed her face against his, making him groan in embarrassment.

"Will you give me what I desire?" She mewed. "Cold, sweet, and powerful enough to keep me by your side forever and ever." Belarus poked him in the cheek.

Russia shook his head. "Stop! This was supposed to be lunch. Only lunch, da?" He begged.

Spain pushed his way between them and grinned. "Oh! I know what you want! We have churros!"

Belarus groaned and pushed herself up snappily, rocking the table. "Big brother, you know what I want! Get us something to eat! I'm going to the bathroom." With that she turned summarily on her heel and pattered off nonchalantly on her toes.

Spain turned to Russia who had his head in his hands. "You're awfully quiet, Señor Rusia." He noticed. (**A/N:** That's how you spell Russia in Spanish. I looked.)

Russia looked up. "Is my sister weird?" He asked impulsively.

Spain seemed taken aback. He knelt down and rested his elbows on the table as he hunted for the right words. "Tu hermana, huh? Maybe a little."

"This morning I found her diary." Russia mumbled, placing his head back in his hands.

Spain tugged good-humoredly on the end of Russia's scarf. "So? What's wrong with that? All the ladies keep those don't they?"

"She has fantasies about me…"

Spain rolled his head back and laughed. "Tu hermana?! She's fantasizing about _you_?" He shook his head quickly when he noticed Russia glaring at him. "I-I mean…Fantasizing how?"

Russia sighed, calming himself down. "Well, I only read a few pages. She says that she wishes to be my toothbrush and goes through my trash." He shuddered. "She even steals my underwear…"

"T-That's awful!" Spain stuttered in reply, trying with the whole of his being not to laugh. "You know, she glances over at you all the time. Why do you smile if you want her to stop?"

Russia cocked his head. "I always smile at my sisters."

"…Looks like you don't know!"

"Know what? That she wants to become one with me?"

"No! Well… _Sí_, but I see the Rule of Seven going on!"

Russia blinked. He had no idea what nonsense Spain was spouting off this time, but this actually sounded important. "Question; what is that?"

Spain jumped up, excited for a chance to show off his knowledge to such a big and powerful country. "The Rule of Seven is the rule that all men and women should live by." He leaned over the table, making Russia scoot back a little. "It tells us when there is amor floating around in the air."

"Amor?"

"Love, mi amigo!"

Russia swallowed. He didn't like the sound of that. "My little sister tells me she loves me, but sometimes I'm not so sure. I think she just shows it differently."

Spain groaned. "You've already let her into your mind then!"

Russia blinked again. "That doesn't sound right…" Spain was too flamboyant and intolerable sometimes. Either way, the country wouldn't shut up until his point was made.

"Oh, but it is! All women want to do is get in your mind!" Spain cried, pulling up a chair next to Russia. "Now listen to this; The Rule of Seven says that if you glance at women seven times, you'll get a smile out of them."

Russia shrugged. That didn't sound that bad. "Is that all?" He chuckled.

Spain shook his head. "Oh, no, no, no! That's not all! With seven smiles you get a friendly meeting that turns into a date! By the looks of it amigo, you're already there!"

Russia still didn't seem convinced. "This isn't a date. Could you get my sister something to eat?"

Spain threw his hands on Russia's shoulders. "Hold on! If you have seven dates you get you'll most likely have seven kisses! And when you get seven kisses, you get one marriage!"

Russia gasped. "I-Is that true?!"

Spain shrugged. "That's what I've noticed when I date the pretty girls. I just make sure that I don't have seven kisses."

"Big brother did you get food for us?" Belarus called, stepping out of the bathroom. She waltzed back into the room and pushed Spain to the ground, planting herself next to her older brother. "Nothing to eat? Then how can I feed my pet?"

Great. Belarus was back on this again?

Spain popped back up from the floor. "And with marriage you get seven billion problems! You have to watch their annoying step children and tell them that they are pretty even though they're all used up at this point!" He hissed from behind Russia. "Watch out, mi amigo!"

Russia swallowed. "I can't have number seven." He mumbled to himself.

Belarus frowned. "What the hell are you talking about."

"You've kissed me six times, sister."

Belarus's expression didn't change. "So?" she paused and leaned forward. "You know about the Rule of Seven right?"

Russia yelped and jumped up. "GO AWAY!"

Spain couldn't help but laugh as Belarus chased Russia right out the door and down the street. "Rusia es realmente un idiota...¡Todo el mundo sabe acerca de la regla de los siete!

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**-Did You Know:** In the comic, Belarus's diary was actually read. Most of the pages were normal, but she really did write about her fantasizes with Russia. She would fantasize about being his toothbrush and his underwear. She also went through his garbage, stole his underwear, wore his underwear over her face as a nightcap when she was sleeping, and would sniff his socks. She even wrote detailed recollections of her day dreams where the two were having sex…Now, if that's not creepy, I don't know what is.

-Hope you enjoyed! Please REVEIW IF YOU READ! Thanks everyone! ^_^  
  
  



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